Sunday, May 23, 2010

Randomness that is trying to sleep...

Oh my goodness. My body is physically wore out. I'm physically tired, but my stupid brain won't shut off when i go to sleep. Well, I should say try to go to sleep. It's rediculous that it does this everynight. Last night wasn't too bad. For the most part I was able to go to sleep but like tonight. I just don't think I could move anymore yet I am wide awake. My body hurts and I know I need to go to bed but I can feel my mind is not going to shut off and so my eyes are responding by being wide awake.

I hate that when that happens. :-)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

What on Earth....

Is going on? I feel like I am going crazy! If I am not tired (wait, am I ever not tired?) then I'm depressed and I'm depressed things go very badly for many people. I don't know. It all seems so trivial. But my depression comes and goes as it wishes I am getting tired of letting it traipse around my life like an uninvited guest who doesn't call before coming for a month long visit.

I went to the doctor on Monday and I am now on Celexa, or rather a generic form of it. And unfortunately my weight doctor is keeping me on the stupid diet I don't want to be on in the first place... I think he wants to me to learn how to cope with my depression without resorting to food. And he is absolutely right, but how on earth do I follow a diet that I didn't want in the first place.

I know I need to learn healthy ways of eating. I know I do. My whole family does. But they get to eat whatever they want and I get to starve to death while they enjoy all the crap I can't have. And it's all crap too... My husband thinks that all he can make the kids is grilled cheese sandwiches, spaghetti, kielbosa and macaroni and cheese, and hamburger helper. If he's not in the mood to cook he just orders pizza or brings something home. All those foods are not healthy. My daughter won't eat unless it's one of the previously mentioned foods. She flat refuses. And she won't eat the rest of the night. She occasionally asks for a snack, but if she doesn't eat the food then she doesn't get any snack. She might fuss for a bit then she forgets about it.

I think what I am going to have to do is eliminate all food from this house except for what I can have and just make them all eat what I can eat. Wouldn't that just serve them right. Logan is getting to be a picky eater too but maybe if I can get this started now then he won't be as hard to train as my daughter is going to be. She does have her 5 year check up so I am definitely going to ask her about the eating habits. But I know that we all need to start eating veggies and crap like that... I don't like veggies a whole lot, I do admit. But I am finding that I do like asparagus. It's okay. And I like steamed broccoli, I always have. I just wish there was a way to make it flavorful. They seem so bland. I love green beans but, alas, those are not an approved veggie. I can have fruit too. And I love fruit. The only fruits that I can have though are apples, oranges, and strawberries... which is fine. I like all those. And that is my favorite fruits actually. So that is a plus. I tend to eat a bit more fruit than veggies. Which is just fine with me.

And I think this diet thing is part of the reason that I am depressed. I think I am lonely. I think it's the time of year. I think it's my kids driving me crazy and I don't get to get out. I think it's a lot of those reasons and, other than med, I don't have a clue how to get out of it. I eat and eat and now I am the size I am and trying to get it off is like pulling teeth. I am going to counseling but I don't really know if that is effective. It does help to get my feelings out there but I think I am tired of just getting my feelings out. I think I would really like for someone to look at me and tell me, "You suck, this is why you suck and this is what you need to do to fix it." Well maybe not that harsh but you get the drift, right?

I know I am not the only one in the world who goes through everything I am going through... I just feel like the only one. I feel alone and isolated from the world. I feel like no one really understand me, or cares about me. Or wants to try anyway. I just feel so lost and so useless.

Well, I think I am going to head to bed. I am very tired so I am hearing my bed calling me... good night...